Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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