I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
