Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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