Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
