i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
