Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
