so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
