literally had 100 drinks last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.