yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher