my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you