I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
