u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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