i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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