it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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