Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
