Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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