I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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