What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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