Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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