Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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