There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
