They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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