I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
