And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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