please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
