false alarm. still invincible.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
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why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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