ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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