Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
