you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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