oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Please, let me fuck your mom
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
