I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
