the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
