It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
