that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
