Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
