So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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