What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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