Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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