I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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