Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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