I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
