You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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