On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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