a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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