And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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