i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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