oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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