I just pynch a tree in the face
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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