Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
