I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
