That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
