Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
