we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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