I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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