my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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