Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
