the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
