is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
