he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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