my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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