Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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