I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
